An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife, who said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Check out the other blonde joke below as well!  It made me laugh!

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Porche                             Lexus

And here is an activity for all the blondes out there to do!

Finally some Barbies that I can relate to!

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors(half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.  Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues. 
 
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 
 
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-Muumuus with tummy-support panels are includ ed. 
 
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 
 
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 
 
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 
 
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." 
 
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. 
 
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke. 
 
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included. 

Some Great Truths About Life:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

Here are a couple of things you should try, since we are having a week long party, here are some activities to spice it up.

-----This site has hours and hours of fun things to try-----

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/

------Go to this site and take the Google challenge!-----

http://grant.robinson.name/projects/guess-the-google/

Compliments of Peabody

------If you haven't played around with the cartoon maker...try it!-----

http://illustmaker.abi-station.com/index_en.shtml

Compliments of Nancy

-----Figure out how much you are worth...yes in money!-----

http://www.humanforsale.com/

Compliments of Carrie

And here is a picture that I thought was funny:

Hope all is going well with everyone too!  My last final is on Thursday!  Thank goodness.  I think have been doing okay on the tests.  But I won't know until grades are posted.  And then I am moving out of the dorms on Friday.  Really exciting, I know.  But I expect to hear a full report from everyone.  Have fun, and party hard!

I pulled this list off of Charlie's Space.  Hope you like it!

• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
  Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
• Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

If a dog was a teacher; you would learn stuff like:

-When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

-Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride, and allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. 

-When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
 

-Let others know when they've invaded your territory, and avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

-Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily.

-Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

-On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
 

-On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

-No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

-Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.  Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.  Stop when you have had enough.
-Be loyal.  Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

-When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Okay, today is my birthday right, well I got woken up and taken out to breakfast at 6:15 AM.  That is just crazy.  I just wanted sleep for my birthday!  But that is my story.  It was a lot of fun though.  I will miss all the goofing off I do at college over the summer.  But since I still have to go to classes, I will keep all of you on your toes about what I am going to post later on during the day.  But for now....

HERE IS YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

These were just too funny not to post.  But things might get a little busy for me with finals coming up and what not, so if I am not posting for a couple days, I either have my nose in a book or my hands on a keyboard typing up papers.  Oh, goody!  Everyone have a great week!

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strangest looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the fight began, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund --- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working
for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog."

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100% Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

If: A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z is represented as:

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26 on a percentage basis.

Then:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

And,  

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, Attitude will get you there, it's the BullSh!t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." 

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

The Moral of the story?

I got a kick out of this..

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!! The next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft. Wayne, IN, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It is a wet suit and this time of year the water is quite cool! So to keep warm we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I get to the bottom and start working is take the hose and stuff it down the back of the wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. Of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jelly fish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact the he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry. When I arrived at the surface I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

Okay, I know it has been a long while since my last "semi-insightful" posting, but I kind of have a writer's block. So hopefully an insightful thing will be coming soon!

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

I recieved this from a friend, and thought that I should warn all of you!

1.  I used to work for an envelope company. Our plant supervisor used to work in the Chicago plant and told us not to lick the envelopes because they would often find dead rats at the bottom of the glue barrel (after thousands of envelopes had been glued and shipped). EEWW! 

2.  I work in a factory and we have 2 employees who used to work in an envelope factory. They told me that when the machine jams up, they use whatever water is handy to thin out the glue. This includes water that they just mopped the floor with. Since then, I've avoided licking envelopes...

3.  If you lick your envelopes... You won't anymore!!! A woman was working in a post office in California. One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, but they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get so sore, that she could not eat.

She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!! There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and
moist...
This is a true story reported on CNN. 

4.  Andy Hume wrote: "Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years!" 
 
5.  To All: I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelops that were already printed for a customer who was doing a mailing and saw several squads of roaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes. I think print shops have a harder time controlling roaches than a restaurant. I always buy the self-sealing type. Or if need be, I use a glue stick to seal one that has the type of glue that needs to be wet to stick.

Now it is not my intent to offend anyone, but I recieved this story in an email and it made me laugh.  So please don't get offensive, just read it as a funny story. 

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a Bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...


{B} Barely there.


{C} Can't Complain!


{D} Dang!


{DD} Double dang!


{E} Enormous!


{F} Fake.


{G} Get a Reduction.


{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


Oh, and they forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST 

Count every "F" in the following text: 

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS... 
     






------HOW MANY ?---------

3?


WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. 
     READ IT AGAIN ! 

The reasoning behind is further down. 
The brain cannot process "OF". Incredible or what? Go back and look again!! 

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. 
Three is normal, four is quite rare.